Life's Story
by Serendipity73
Summary: Elizabeth's POV
1. Chapter 1

Title: Life

Author: Jeep

Spoilers: Oh let's say everything, so I have all my bases covered.

Disclaimer: I don't them.

Notes: this is my first story in a very very very very long time. Thanks to Sam for being my beta.

One of the hardest things I have ever done in life, I had to do the other day. Well, it's not like he gave me much of a choice, if I had said no, he would have gone anyway. But that is beside the point. So for the record, I want to get this all down correctly.

The Wraith were upon us, in more ways than one. I now know why the ancients sunk the city. The Wraith are relentless.

I was so scared, and yes I did not want to let on to the others, that their commander was scared. But lord, there were times that my gut told me this was the end of everything. Life would be over, everything that I had done, that I hadn't done; would all just fade away into nothingness. Well, if it did come down to everything being…over…then it won't necessarily be for nothing really, earth would be saved.

But…

And I say this during the impending doom of the Wraith, I want more time. Time for things left unsaid.

It's not fair, that I have to give up what might be.

I did give up all of earth to come here, and defend earth from the unknown dangers of the universe.

All I wanted was to be happy in this state of…whatever you want to call this place.

It's funny how with everything going on, the constant threat of war, if you must. How people find each other.

So with this last threat or siege if you may of the wraith, Teyla learned of her new talent. I don't know about you but, I am glad it is her that has that special power. Not sure if I would be strong enough for that one.

Then the next head turner, John, left. He left me. At that moment as he was standing there on the stairs, I knew what I had to do, and let him go. He was asking my permission. How could he ask my permission on something like that? A suicide mission? Like I want him to die.

Because I don't.

I knew he had to go. I knew he was the one who had to fly the jumper.

But lord, I did not want him to go.

I see you twist and turn away, and it breaks me in two again. If I could, you know I would, let you go, surrender, dislocate myself from everything. Why do I feel this way? How can I feel this way?

It was hard you know, to watch you walk back up those stairs, knowing beyond everything, that I was most likely never going to see you again. But knowing that if I made you stay, and know if I asked you, you probably would have, Atlantis would no longer be here, we would no longer be here, and earth…well that's just not something I want to think about.

So I threw my lifeline, lifeless towards the wind, and saw you walk away into the night. And I felt my world slip away, walk right up those stairs with you.

As I closed my eyes, hoping, willing for everything to be alright there was this feeling that I had to pull myself together, for the others, and to get past this. There was no way I was going to let your death go.

Surrendering was not an option.

And I missed you already.

What am I going to do?

As Rodney, Carson and I watched the little blip that was John on the monitor reach the hive ship, knowing that there was no hope for him, and see the blip disappear. Rodney, mad at me for even letting him fly the jumper in the first place, was just standing there with this look on his face like he had lost his best friend, someone whom he thought could never die. When, in fact, we had all lost one of the most important people this place ever had both a military member and a friend, a brother.

I couldn't think right then, all I knew was that we had one more hive to deal with otherwise your death would have been in vain. We were going to survive, damn the wraith. It was all or nothing.

Have to think of something else, think of what is going to happen after this is over. I can mourn later; the time to fight is now.

How can I forget your face as you turned away from me and ran up the stairs? That is going to be burned into my memory forever.

And then the radio crackled and I heard your voice. Do you have any idea of how shocked, how overjoyed, how happy I was?

I am going to get that chance to tell you. I want to yell…well yell something; I am not sure what I want to yell. I was just so ecstatic.

I am not sure what we have, or what it is turning into. I know that it scares me. I have never felt this way before about anyone.

When we heard "Atlantis this is Sheppard" I think my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe, you were alive. Was I finally going to get my chance? Would I have the guts?

I still can't believe it. And for your information, I don't want to know any other Sheppard. Period.

Maybe everything was going to be okay after all?

We got a zpm, John was alive…what more could a girl want?

All of us went about trying to rid the rest of Atlantis of the Wraith and getting the shields back up. Poor Rodney, I think he is going to sleep for a week or two after this is all finished. I have caught him on several occasions with his eyes closed. I'll have to keep an extra eye on him.

I think everyone can tell there is an extra bounce, in my step now. We had to get the shield back up, that was the main concern now. Rodney had only 40 seconds to get it operational.

When we all saw that the last hive ship had been destroyed, I can't tell you how happy we all were. I turned to look for you, but remembered that you weren't here. A pang of guilt flashes through me, but then as if on queue I remember that you are still alive.

Rodney finally gets the shields up, with mere seconds. Isn't that how it always is with him? All that drama, but it worked, so that's the only thing that matters.

John was scared; he was calling us after the Daedalus had reported the darts. I could hear it in his voice, the feeling that you had just lost the one person…anyway, it might just be my feelings.

But he tells me not to scare him like that again. I don't ever want to be scared like that again. I also know that unless we return to earth, there could be a lot more situations just like what happened today.

I guess that's what you get for being in another galaxy.

So now I know, that every time he steps through that gate, that I am never going to get any sleep, may not get a lot of work done, until John and his team return safe and sound. Not that I did before, but things have changed now. At least for me.

I will have to speak with John.

I was standing in the control tower when John and a group of Marines were beamed into the gateroom. I couldn't just stand there, I had to feel him, touch him to make sure he was really there.

Basically running down the stairs, I made it to him. Just standing there, I had no clue what to say. Yes, I was speechless.

All I could do was hug him, and that's what I did. My arms went around him so tight, and he returned it. Yes, we will have to talk after this is all done.

He said we had to stop doing this to each other, and I had to agree. Thinking that the other is dead is never a good thing. I think it added five years onto me.

What would I have done if it was true, and he wasn't standing here in the middle of the gateroom with me?

I know what he did was for the good of earth as well as us here, but I wasn't prepared for the ramifications of that decision. I am still not prepared.

Do I think this knowledge is going to complicate things?

Yup sure do, but we have to do our best to do what we can, and go about our daily lives.

Will things change, god I hope so.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Life Part 2

Author: Jeep

Category: Elizabeth's POV

Notes: I know you guys wanted to see a John POV, but I had to continue Elizabeth, I wasn't quite done with her yet. For the rest see the Notes in Part 1.

SPECIAL NOTE: This is dedicated to my good friend and beta, if it wasn't for her, then this would not be here. hugs 

XXXX

We went about cleaning up Atlantis of what was left of the Wraith, and we were dealing with what happened to Lt. Ford.

We'd lost a man that day. A friend to all. I am sorry about what happened to him…If there had been anything in my power to change the outcome of his situation, I would have done it.

In all honesty though, I think John took it the hardest out of everyone. You see, he seems to have a certain, specific, individual bond with everybody on this base…I knew for a fact that he thought of Lt. Ford almost as a younger brother, someone who he could, not teach or mold or anything as intrusive as that, but he could help him to be a better officer.

Apparently though, after everything had settled down again, and we'd held a formal debriefing, John simply went to his room. I wanted to go to him, to try and comfort him in the aftermath of the loss of Ford. But, I was also unsure of how he would respond to my unannounced arrival outside of his door.

In fact, I am STILL worried about how he'd reacted. John never said two words to me after Ford had escaped with the Jumper. Just a curt nod and then he'd left.

That uncertainty is what drove me to the decision of not going to see him that night.

For that though I did not get much sleep; I was denied this simple act by worry for John…sadness at all our losses…a somehow desperate need for John's body to be safely cocooned next to mine…and loneliness at being denied such a selfish wish.

Life is too short to feel all of this and then not do a damned thong about it…

What really gnaws at me though is why John would think he is a bad person.

Because he is far from that.

I know that, and so does the rest of us here in the City.

Maybe I need him too much, so much that I do not think I am good enough for this position, for him. Ultimately, it's my fault for what happened to Lt. Ford, not his.

I am the Commander of this place still, right?

Then, why do I feel so small?

I have to wonder what John was thinking when he left the briefing.

I don't think I will ever figure it out though, at least not without getting John to tell me…

There are just too many unknown variables for me to keep on guessing.

So, here I sit in my room now, just looking out the window and contemplating my recent developments in my life, cup of tea in hand, with only the frigid arms of another cold, sleepless night to embrace me.

Am I the right one to do this job? Am I strong enough? Have I made the right choices? Could I have helped the others?

There are days when I think I am, that I do make the right choices, but then there are days like these, where I just want to hide in a dark corner and wish it all would go away and vanish from when it came.

It's so hard being here sometimes, being so far away from family and friends, who are still at home, still on Earth. It's like you're being surrounded here, with hundreds of people, and yet you still feel totally and utterly alone.

I doubt myself.

I thought that I would have at least have one someone to confide in.

I thought John was…could be that person. Until now. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.

This is not the first time we have lost a crewmember, but it is the first time that we have lost someone who was especially very close to each of us.

And I am unsure how to deal with it. And I'm sure that John hasn't figured it out either, or else he would have said something…anything.

There. I put it out in the open.

So far, I have lost a few members of the original expedition team, a boyfriend, a good friend, and I am losing my best friend as we speak.

What kind of person has that much loss in their life? It cannot be a good person. I mean a good person would not have all that bad karma around them. Would they?

Karma…do I believe in karma, fate…or whatever you want to call it?

I'm not so sure. I used to believe that I was picked for this mission for a reason…that John flew that chopper with General O'Neill inside to our Ancient outpost base, all those many months ago, for a reason.

I believed that we were all brought together for a purpose…a greater purpose than any individual gain any of us had ever gotten. And that initial intention was that we were here to learn from each other, that there are certain lessons in life, and we have to learn from each and every one of them.

So what have I learned?

Nothing.

Only that I have no problem losing people close to me.

I wish John were here.

I hope he is okay.

I need him right now.

But I am staying away. I know he doesn't need me.

I do not think he needs anyone right now.

So why was I crying?

How could/can this affect me like it is?

I felt so hopeless, confused, and just so not myself since all of this began, I do not know what to do anymore.

In the beginning, I thought I could run this place. I had something to prove after all. I had to prove to just about everyone here and back on Earth that I was able to do what was necessary.

That I was a hard-nosed Commander who did not need anyone…

Well I do not know what happened, but she isn't here anymore.

Maybe I need to get back to that. Push what's in my mind back, forget about Lt. Ford, John, and whom ever else, and just move on.

But, can I really do that?

Do I want to do that?

And why am I still crying?

XXXX


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Life Part 3

Author: JeepNY

Category: Sheppard's POV

Spoilers: everything

Disclaimer: Not mine.

SPECIAL NOTE: This is dedicated to my good friend and beta, if it wasn't for her, then this would not be here. hugs 

For my rank and years of service, I have been through a lot and defiantly seen a lot of stuff. A lot of it was not so good, but I think, in my own way, I have dealt with it pretty well. I am still here aren't I?

Well that was until I came to Atlantis.

I remember being asked to fly General O'Neill to someplace in Antarctica like it was yesterday. I could do that, for I'd done that kind if thing many times before. No big deal.

Yeah right.

While I was there THIS last time, several somethings that never happened to me before, happened within the sole hour I was out there.

First, I sat in that damned chair, which in non-English promptly said I could do 'special' things. You needed to have some sort of gene, if I remember what Carson said. I thought he was nuts.

A gene?

What kind of a gene?

A special type of new blue jeans?

But when I sat down in that same blasted chair, the whole thing just lit up. It was the oddest feeling in the world. My body just took over and was homed in on controlling whatever this thing was.

Really, all it did was scare me, like nothing had ever done before…

I could not have run back to that chopper any faster then I did that day.

When General O'Neill told me about the details of the expedition, and how he wanted me to go, he said it was especially since I apparently had this 'gene' everyone was talking about.

And where exactly was this expedition?

It was literally in "a galaxy far, far away."

HA!

I thought they were all nuts.

And the second person I saw…well…really saw…was the person I am sure you can pick up on just who that was…

I met this other person, this woman there. She took charge, was very diplomatic, something that I might say, I could be better at. But that's a whole different story all together.

She was beautiful, and smart. Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She was the one who talked me into really going.

She was the reason.

I was all set to head back with the General and not look back.

But, then, I got this phone call after we returned to the base, and she single-handedly talked me into it. There was no way I could refuse her plea for me to join her…them…on the mission. Just the lull of her voice and the need in her voice was all I needed to be practically sold.

Yep. I had gone over the edge right then and there.

Already, I knew we would become fast friends. I knew that I would do anything to protect her, even it if meant putting my life on the line. I did not care; if she was alive, then that'd be all that really mattered.

XXXX

She is more important to this place that I ever was, and her life is the one that matters.

Sad, huh? I don't think she even returns the feelings really. I mean, after the last few things that have happened around here, there have been signs that she does, but then they are gone just like that, and I am left doubting that those signs ever really existed in the first place.

But in the beginning, I know that it was all one sided. It had to of been right?

When the Wraith were in the city last…oh about a few months ago, we were trying to wait out for the Daedalus; we had the idea to use the chair in the defense…and when I sat in it to fly the jumper…

Well, let's just say that it didn't work, and leave it at that, shall we?

I was up and out of that chair before my brain could really kick in. It was like my body knew what it had to do before I did.

Save Atlantis. Save her.

That is really what it all was about anyway. Atlantis. Hell! This whole expedition. It was always about her.

I knew where she would be when I made my way up to the jumper bay. I also knew there was no other way to get there then through the control room. I just had to see her one last time.

I could tell by the look on her face that she did not want me to. I did not want to leave her either, but I had to go. I was the only one to fly that jumper into the hive ship.

And she knew it.

God that last look she gave me, if we were not impending doom, I would have taken that as a sign and not run in the other direction.

I thought I was as good as dead at that point when I entered the hive ship. When I heard Colonel Caldwell's voice come over the radio asking me to de-cloak? You have no idea how happy I was.

I could go home.

It was funny, I actually thought about how I was going to radio back to Atlantis. Some sort of funny, off-the-cuff comment? Or should I just have Colonel Caldwell make the call?

But then again, I knew _I_ had to.

I could see Elizabeth's face in my mind right then, could hear the surprise in her voice.

The happiness.

The joy.

The…I'm not sure what. I know what I want it to be.

But…

XXXX

After the ships were destroyed and Caldwell sent some more troops and myself back down to secure Atlantis, the moment I saw you walking down the stairs towards me, I didn't know what to think, do, or say.

What I wanted to do was hold you. I wanted to hold on tight and never let you go. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, that I would never do anything like that again. Which would probably be a lie, but it is the truth in a distorted kind of way.

But, I was not sure if that was what you wanted, and I was definitely not going to push the situation.

Then, you had stopped right there in front of me, smiling that smile of yours, only it's bigger, much bigger this time, rested your hands on my arms, and told me I was home.

Home. I did not know there was such a deep meaning in that one word. I had never really had a home before Atlantis, before you.

And then you wrapped your arms around me. I was so surprised by that that I missed a few seconds where I could have actually returned the feeling.

Then, there was that weird, tingly feeling behind your actions that went shooting through me at the close contact. There was no other way to explain it really. It was like I could feel what you felt, what you thought.

All I wanted to do right then is take you somewhere and…

Well that's not exactly what I wanted to do right then and there, but… Seriously all I wanted to do is go somewhere quiet and maybe talk to you about this, because I really don't want to go through the idea of losing you again.

I can't explain how scared I was when I thought you did not get the shields up, and Atlantis had become target practice for all those Wraith darts. In those few seconds of not knowing for sure, I think my heart stopped half a million times.

We have to stop doing that to each other…There has to be a way for me to find the courage to walk up to you and just ask you to sit somewhere, so we could talk, alone, with no interruptions.

There is nothing I want more then to just be with you in every since of the word.

Help me…please?


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Life Part 4

Author: Jeep

Category: Drama/Agnst/Maybe more lol

Disclaimer: Not mine.

It had been a long few months; things seemed to be flaring up between both Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Weir. They had seemed to avoid each other every chance they got.

Well at least to Elizabeth it had seemed that way. John would avoid her in briefings, only speak when necessary, and never seek her out in off hours.

Not that they had off hours really.

She missed him.

And what saddened her the most, he did not return the same feelings.

Looking away from the window she closed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. She had to stop this before it got out of control.

Who was she kidding it was already out of control.

When she finally returned to work, she noticed that said distraction was pacing outside her office door. These days she had no idea what is going on with him. There are times where he completely ignored her, and there were days when she caight him looking at her.

But when she called him on it, he always would make excuses and walk away.

"Dr. Weir, are you okay?" Carson asked as he walked right past John and into her office, "You seem a bit…"

The door had closed behind Carson, she looked over his shoulder and saw Sheppard standing there with this look of concern on his face. He was worried about her, she could tell by the fleeting look in his eyes.

Turning her attention back to Carson, "Yes Carson, I am fine."

"Forgive me, but I think you should take a break for a little while."

She knew he was right. A nap could be a good thing, considering she hasn't slept well in months and it was starting to show.

"Alright Carson, you win." She set the pile of paperwork down on her desk and looked up at hi

"That's it?" He asked shocked that she would have given up that easily. "I don't get an argument?"

"No Carson, not today you don't" She patted him on the shoulder. "Major Lorne."

"Yes Ma'am" Was his response over the ear piece.

"I will be in my quarters for now."

"Yes Ma'am."

John watched as she shut her computer down and left her office. After hearing the exchange over the radio, he wasn't sure why she hadn't told him what was going on. The look of hurt was plastered on his face as she walked by him, Carson following her.

"Doc," John reached out to him, "What's going on… is she okay?"

"Aye, she's just tired son. The stress from over the past few weeks…"

"Yeah I know. Maybe I should…"

"I don't think that's a good idea John." He looked him squarely in the eye, "I think you have been part of the reason why she is like she is."

"But I think I should…"

"I am telling ya John, leave her be."

John just stood there, not knowing what to say or do. 'What did he mean by that?'

With a knowing look, Carson continued, "She needs some time alone, without you. Did you ever think that the reason Elizabeth is making herself ill is because of you?"

Sheppard looked down at his boots, finding them worn and tattered. 'Maybe that's what she feels like? Worn and tattered. I did that.'

"Yeah son, I think you are getting it now." Carson told him with a gentle squeeze of the shoulder.

"I did this."

"I think you might have had a hand in it yes."

Carson then walked away from him, leaving Sheppard with his thoughts.

With a quick look around the control room, he noticed everyone was staring at him. He closed his eyes and shook his head quickly, "Back to work people."

Fate found Sheppard walking around the city, he had his hands shoved into his pockets and he was watching his feet as he walked. Thoughts seeping through his head like wildfire.

He had hurt Elizabeth, whether it was intentional or unintentional, she was still hurt but what ever actions had taken place.

Was it because they had seemed to grow further apart over the last few weeks, hell months? He wasn't even sure why, or what had happened anymore.

So much had happened, his near death experience with the Hive ship and the puddle jumper, and the numerous other things that have happened since then that made Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Commander of Atlantis, double think everything, every decision that she has ever made. And most of all, made her shy away from everyone.

Sighing, he stopped in his tracks on his lonely path through Atlantis. This was all his fault. Carson was right, maybe she was better off without him. How could he hurt Elizabeth like he did.

He…he loved her.

This thought normally would have made him smile, but right at this moment, it did nothing but bring more guilt into his already dim picture.

As he continued walking he made his way back to his quarters, not knowing where else to go.

A while later, he heard his radio click to life, "Colonel Sheppard?"

"Yeah Doc?"

"Can you come to the infirmary for a moment?"

"Sure Doc, I'll be right there."

When he arrived, he noticed Elizabeth sitting on one of the beds, when Carson motioned him to his office.

"Doc?"

"Colonel, I am putting Elizabeth on medical leave for the time being."

"Okay…why?"

"Colonel…Dr. Weir has been through some things here that have caused her undo stress. Her body is reacting to this in several different ways."

"Like?"

"Like, she is not getting any sleep, and when she does nightmares plague her, she is having headaches… Look Colonel, she can not keep going like she is now, it could do a lot more damage."

"Alright Doc, what now?"

"I recommend a vacation if we were back on earth."

"We aren't on earth Doc."

"Yes I know, so I am recommending we send her to the main land or back with the Deadulas for a few weeks, when it arrives in a few days."

"Are you sure that is a wise thing Doc, a few weeks?"

"Aye, I am sure Colonel."

John sat down in one of the chairs in Carson's office, and closed his eyes. This was definitely all his fault.

"Listen lad, this isn't your entire fault. And I am positive that after this vacation, Elizabeth will be just fine."

"How could I do this to her?"

"You did not intentionally do anything John. It's life here; we all do what we have to do, to protect this place, to protect earth and each other."

"Yeah, whatever." He mumbled and stood up, as he turned around he watched her sit on the bed out in the infirmary.

"John, please…don't do this to yourself."

"To late Doc."

As he walked out of the office, and past Elizabeth, he looked right at her, mumbled a "I'm sorry" and left the room, leaving Elizabeth wondering what was going on.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Life Part 5

Author: JeepNY

Category: Drama/Agnst/Maybe more lol

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A few days later

Elizabeth had been packing for a while, she was going to the mainland for a few weeks. It was like moving, she thought to herself. Not knowing what to take back, and what to leave. Teyla had made arrangements for her stay with her people. They had arranged for her to have her own cottage, overlooking the lake.

Over the past few weeks, she had to admit, she was going down hill. She would snap at everything anyone said to her. She would spend as much time alone as she could.

Carson had strict instructions that she was not to be involved in any of the daily goings on in the village. She needed to rest, and that he would visit every other day to check on her.

Looking over at her bags, Elizabeth considered packing the pot John had given her, lifting it up, she almost placed it in her suitcase, but gently placed it back on the table next to her desk.

She did not need to be reminded of him.

But in reality she did.

She wanted him to go with her to mainland.

Spend some time, maybe, together. With no city to run, nothing to side track them.

But it was a mute point to begin with, since he did not return the same feelings.

As her eyes welled up again, at the thought of being alone for the rest of whatever life she had left.

The thought of finding someone else to fill that gap, only intensified her already guilt ridden mind, and she quietly sat down on the edge of her bed.

After a few moments she heard a knock at her door. Quickly pushing aside the pot she rose and answered the door to find Carson standing there with this look of sadness on his face. They were close, he knew she was hurting.

"You ready Lass?" He asked as the doors closed behind him.

She was sitting on her bed not looking at him, fiddling with her hands.

"Yeah I guess I am Carson."

"Are you okay…" he looked around, "I mean other then the obvious."

As she stood, "No Carson, I do not think I am."

"This trip to the mainland should be very good for you Elizabeth." As he grabbed her bags, "Remember the rules Elizabeth, if I hear you broke any of them, you will be back here in no time flat and back on the Deadlus with Colonel Caldwell."

He watched her kringe at the thought of being aboard that ship with that man for that long.

"That is what I figured, so I have faith that you will abide by all my rules."

"Of course Carson."

"Good." He replied as Elizabeth walked out. Carson looked over at what she had in her hands. 'Aye, the gift from Colonel Sheppard.' He thought to himself, as he placed it in one of her bags,

Carson knew that part of what Elizabeth was going through had to deal with Colonel John Sheppard. Ever since his last suicide mission, they both had grown far enough apart where it started to effect the city. Well maybe it was the fact that they had grown to close, and now apart and it….'never mind' Carson thought to himself.

And that is when Carson contacted Teyla and set up this mini vacation. He had pulled rank on her, and decided for the well being of Atlantis and her well being that she needed to relax, to get away from everything, recoop.

Yes he was worried about her, and rightly so.

He had noticed her pleas with the rest of Altantis in the galley at meal time, how she would always take her tray back to her office or room. He noticed that she would never join the rest of them for movie night or whatever Colonel Sheppard had planned for their downtime…it was like a completely different Elizabeth.

Elizabeth stood in the doorway waiting for Carson, "Are you coming?"

"Aye, sorry."

With a small smile she turned and the both of them made their way to the jumper bay.

2 days before

"Colonel Sheppard can I have a word with you?" Carson asked as he walked into the control room.

"Sure Doc, what's going on?"

"In private…" He showed Sheppard into Elizabeth's office and shut the door.

"What's going on?"

"Colonel Sheppard, I have relieved Elizabeth from command for the time being."

"What?"

"She is over stressed, and I fear that it is affecting the city and will do more damage to herself if it keeps on like it is."

He had noticed too, and he was worried. John had tried to get through to her as best as he could, but she just brushed him off.

Not that he can blame her, because in some sad way, he had done the same with her.

And maybe that is the problem. With everything that had happened, each of them tried to communicate in their own way, and each of them failed miserably.

Now, everything was falling apart.

"According to Elizabeth," Carson's voice broke through his thoughts, "She put you in charge with the help of Rodney."

"Okay." He looked up. "Where is she going?"

"All I can tell you right now is the mainland."

"Do you need someone to fly the jumper?"

"No, Rodney will take care of it, I think that is best right now."

"Yeah"

With that Carson turned and walked out of the office and back to the infirmary to make the last of the plans and speak again with Elizabeth.

Sheppard stood there in her office for a moment, not knowing what just happened, or why. He found the floor really interesting as the people watched from the control room.

He looked up and then took one last look around her office. She had rearranged it and some of the artifices she had in there were now replaced. His pot for one was no longer on her desk where it used to be.

Maybe things had changed a lot more then he had thought.

He knew in his own mind, that his feelings for her had changed. He wanted more, but from Elizabeth's actions over the last few weeks, they had only changed for him. She was not interested in anything more then some shallow friendship.

Saddened, he walked out of her office.

"Where were we Sergeant?" He asked.

"With all due respect, are you alright Sir?"

"No, now let's get back to work alright?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Sheppard" Rodney called out as he saw him going towards the galley.

"Rodney"

"I need you to fly Elizabeth to the mainland, you see I have this…"

"No."

"Look, I can't okay, I have this simulation running, and I can't leave it."

"No Rodney, end of story."

"You have to; I am not leaving this in the hands of them." He pointed towards the lab.

"Fine, okay, is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Yes." He stalked off, "Thank you" and then left him in his own misery.

John turned on his heal and made his way to the jumper bay, meal forgotten, not that he would have ate anything anyway. His appetite lately had been non existent and Carson had called him on it the week prior, threatening to speak to Elizabeth about it.

He told the good doctor he would fix it, but as he sat in the galley most times, he would just push the food around and not eat any of it.

'So what if its just 5lbs' he thought to himself, it's not like I eat junk food here and drink beer all the time.

Sheppard arrived in the jumper bay before Carson and Elizabeth, so he went about the usual pre-flight preparations.

"Colonel" A shocked Carson said from behind him. "What are you doing here?"

Elizabeth had just stood behind Carson and looked at him for a moment and then averted his eyes to whatever else seemed more interesting. That action did not go un-noticed by John and he was saddened by the fact that she felt she had to hide from him.

This whole thing was not a vacation or a way to cure whatever aliments she had, Elizabeth was running, and now he was helping her.

He looked over Carson's shoulder, 'maybe he was running too.'

"Rodney said something about a simulation he couldn't leave."

"Oh. Well as long as you don't mind, we could always find…."

"No it's okay Doc."

He turned to Elizabeth, "Come one let's get your things on board."

She walked by Sheppard, "Colonel"

"Doctor"

Saddened he pondered if this was even a good idea.

Everything seemed so final.

There was no more banter between them, they were not on speaking terms other then for work related issues.

It seemed his life was partly over.


	6. Chapter 6

Life Part 6

Author: JeepNY

Category: Flight to the mainland… pov in spots.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sheppard sat in the front of the jumper, doing whatever else needed to be finished, which really wasn't anything. He just needed to look like he was busy.

"Alright, you know the rules, no working, period. I will be out there in 2 days to make sure you are alright. If anything happens, just call."

"I know, thanks Carson."

"Take of yourself lass."

With a smile he walked out of the jumper without as much as saying two words to Colonel Sheppard.

This was going to be a long flight.

As they ascended and left Atlantis behind, Elizabeth sat back in the seat and closed her eyes, hoping that John would not want to talk.

Not that she did not want to talk, but right now, she did not think she could handle much without breaking down.

She kept noticing that John would turn and glance quickly at her, sadness in his eyes, concern also there, but then he would look away again.

Closing her eyes once again, she hoped sleep would come quickly so she could be on the mainland in what would seem like record time.

No further conversation was attempted by either one. John landed the jumper and the back hatch opened.

"Do you need a hand?" He asked her.

"If you could take that bag for me."

"Sure."

Sheppard followed her out of the jumper and towards some of the towns people who were supposed to meet them.

"Colonel Sheppard, we did not expect you."

He looked over at them, and then to Elizabeth, "Yeah well I did not expect to be here either." HE paused for a moment, "How are you?"

"We are good. Are you staying for the evening meal?"

"I am afraid I can't, next time?"

"As always it would be an honor."

"Well, that is my queue, good bye Dr. Weir."

She watched him walk slowly back to the jumper and close the hatch. Elizabeth was truly alone.

"Is there something wrong?" One of the woman asked her on their way back to the village.

"Not really, just need some time off."

"It just seems like Colonel Sheppard was very distant."

"Yeah, well…"

"I will leave you Dr. Weir, we are at your residence. This is yours for the duration of your stay here."

"Please, call me Elizabeth, and I am sure it will be fine. Thank you."

As Elizabeth watched the woman walk away, she reached down for the rest of her bags, and opened the door.

Alone.

She did not show up for the evening meal that night. Instead she went out to the lake and sat down at the edge to watch the sun set. The colors danced across the sky in reds, oranges, and yellows.

When she was on Atlantis, she felt alone, and depressed, but here, here she was defiantly alone. The people here knew of her, but did not know her.

The only person who knew her was John. And these days she was not even sure that fact was true.

But that is one of the reasons why she was here.

Right?

But did she really want to get over them? Her emotions for John Sheppard were so strong, they were taking over her life.

And he did not return her feelings.

As she pulled the blanket closer around her, she shivered and sighed. The stars had finally come out and the darkness had started to swallow her whole.

Maybe that is what she wanted.

Something to swallow her whole, and take away the pain she was in.

The next day she found herself out by the lake again. Some of the children and women came by to see if she wanted to join them for their daily goings on. But Elizabeth declined, and went back out to the lake.

Around lunch a elder woman came by to bring her some lunch. Elizabeth picked at it while the elder woman watched her.

"My dear, you really need to eat more."

"I am just not hungry."

"You skipped the evening meal last night and morning fest this morning."

"I have food with me."

"Don't give me that dear."

They sat in silence for a few more moments before she started to speak again. "What is wrong dear?"

"It's nothing really."

"It must be something if you are here, the leader of Atlantis."

Elizabeth looked over at the older woman, a small smile washed over her face and was gone just as fast. She agreed with her, it was something. Maybe talking about it to someone would help?

It couldn't hurt right?

Well any more then it already does right?

Elizabeth went on to tell the other woman the story, and how she came to be in the situation she was in now.

They sat there for more than an hour before the woman's daughter Rieke came to see where she was.

"I am alright dear, just talking with the dear Elizabeth."

"Alright mother, please do not stay to much longer, you have to rest this afternoon."

"I know my dear."

When she left, "You might want to try meditation dear Elizabeth, it will open your mind and calm you."

"Maybe."

"I have taught many, even your friend Teyla."

"Tomorrow then?"

"Tomorrow."

She ate a little more at the bread after she left, but skipped the evening meal once again.

Carson stepped out of the jumper the next morning with Rodney in tow.

"How is our patient?" He asked one of the men.

"She had skipped the evening meals, and the morning fest. Rieke's mother had gotten her to eat some lunch yesterday."

Sighing Carson knew that this was going to be tough, but she had to get past this. Atlantis needed her.

Things had already started to get rough back in the city. Colonel Sheppard had started to withdraw into himself, even when Rodney had tried to draw him out. He just brushed his off, and continued on his way.

Carson had to threaten Rodney not to tell her anything while they were visiting, saying that everything was going to work out just fine and they hadn't need to worry her with something this trivial.

"Wait, she's not eating?" Rodney pondered, "I mean that can't be good, right Carson?"

"Not Rodney that is not good."

The made their way to her cabin, when they did not find her there, Rodney went into the town and Carson went looking around the area by the cabin.

He found her by the lake, just sitting there staring out across the glassy surface.

"Elizabeth?" HE asked as he approached her.

When he got no answer he tried again, this time he say down next to her.

"Elizabeth, are you alright lass?"

She quietly looked over at him, "No Carson."

"They told me you haven't been eating, Elizabeth, you of all people know better."

"I don't know if this was such a good idea Carson, being here, that is."

"Why is that?"

"Because, here, being here, I am completely alone. That is all I think about, how this is how my life is going to be."

"You are not truly all alone lass."

Smiling I lean into his shoulder and gently nudge him. "That's not what I meant, but thank you."

"Please tell me you are going to try and eat today."

"For you Carson."

"Good. Now how are you doing otherwise?"

"No work, no thinking about work, no nothing but sitting here watching the lake."

"It is a beautiful lake."

"It's not like Atlantis. I miss being there."

"I know you do, but this will be good for you."

They spent the next hour chatting, and Elizabeth persuading Carson that she was fine, and to let her stay there.

Mid afternoon Rodney and Carson headed back to Atlantis with the promise to be back within 2 days time.

Smiling Elizabeth walked back to the lake until dinner.

That was the first night that she had joined them in the evening meal, and she felt better already.

For the moment anyway.

When she sat down before bed to look up at the stars, her mood had changed for the worse.

Not that she was not used to this feeling… in fact she had gotten quite used to it over the past few weeks.

Thoughts kept running through her head. She had no way of stopping them before the tears began to fall.

What have I got to do to make you love me?

What have I got to do to make you care?

What do I do to make you want me?

What have I got to do to be heard?

Why can't we talk it over?

She was crying again, and the only thing she could think of is, that she hoped John was going through the same thing.


	7. Chapter 7

Life 7

Author: JeepNY

Category: Angst,

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

John had, had a bad few days. He was off, there was something that was not right. He felt so snappy, and unhappy that he was going to pull a stunner out and shoot the next person who did not listen to what him.

There is a reason why he was left in charge.

Right?

Since he had dropped Elizabeth on the mainland almost 3 days ago, he had been trying to fill her shoes as Commander, and run the military side of things. Rodney had helped out as much as possible, but with all the stress from the last few weeks, everything was just wearing him thin.

He was pulling at the memories from basic training on how to spread yourself around to keep the flight going.

God what was wrong with him.

He sat at her desk, face in his hands. It was going to be another long night. Carson was going to kill him if he found out that he hadn't been eating, and staying up to all hours of the night because he had yet to really sleep.

Well that had been true, but hadn't really sleep since his close call with the wraith hive ship and almost losing Elizabeth…Altantis in the same day.

Nothing had been the same.

He missed her he realized. He missed her actual presence on Atlantis. Like the city was not the same.

People had respect for him, and the position he held here, and they realized that with their Commander gone for a while, he had more responsibilities. But he seemed to be snapping at everyone lately.

Carson and Rodney had both called him on it more then once. They told him if he didn't stop and take care of himself, he was going to work himself into exhaustion.

He knew that they were going to see her today. Carson had asked if he wanted to take him to the mainland. He was concerned about him, and knew maybe that if he did, it might help what ever was bothering him.

But Colonel Sheppard had refused, assigning Rodney to the task of flying him to the mainland.

Carson was puzzled but did not call him on it. Yet.

John eyed the couch, he was tired, but he also knew he could not sleep in his own quarters. He hadn't in the past few days, what was going to change tonight?

As he dimmed the lights, he made his way over to the couch, thinking he would only close his eyes for a few moments.

He was wrong.

Sheppard thought he heard the door open a few hours later, only to go right back to sleep again.

When he awoke the next morning, it was still dark outside, but he had gotten just about a full nights sleep.

Rubbing his eyes, he had dreamed of her.

When he looked over at the desk he saw a note from Carson asking him to contact him as soon as he woke.

'Great' he thought, and tapped the radio alive.

"Doc, this is Sheppard."

"Colonel, can you please come to the infirmary for a moment?"

"On my way."

So much for having a quiet morning.

Carson wanted to speak to him about some on goings in the infirmary, which he signed off on and approved.

He thought that it was just another way for Carson to check up on him, without really making it obvious.

"Get some food into ya Colonel." Carson spoke on his way out.

Today was already starting out to be a bad day. Carson was talking with one of the nurses on his way out and heard him bring up Elizabeth's name when he stopped.

Was there something wrong with her?

Was she okay?

Did he need to ease drop?

He defiantly needed to ease drop.

Slowly he made his way back into the infirmary.

"How was Dr. Weir?"

"As good as can be expected, she hasn't been eating the way she should. But she hasn't been working or exerting herself in anyway."

"Well at least she is following that rule."

"I think she is adjusting fairly well, she said they had taught her how to meditate, and there is an older woman there who she has taken solace in to talk with."

"I am glad she has someone to talk to while here. Being completely isolated at a time like this is not always the best."

"Yeah I know."

"Did she say something to you Doctor?"

"Aye, she did."

"We need her back here Sir."

"I know we do."

"I am worried about the Colonel."

"Aye, me too."

Sheppard looked down at his boots. He wasn't being much of a leader was he, his team did not even trust him.

With that he left, unsure if he could listen to anymore of what they were saying. Not watching how he left, the door slammed behind him, causing Carson and his nurse to stop talking.

"I think he heard us Sir."

"I'll talk to him."

With that he left as well.

Sheppard didn't know where to go, he was angry, angry at himself. How could he let this go this far. His world was crumbling before him. He was snapping at personnel, not eating, not sleeping, pushing away his team. Rodney had told him that he was keeping on reports, and that scared him. He hated paperwork.

He felt more alone now then he ever did.

He made it to one of the far doors and stepped outside, letting the breeze engulf him. Closing his eyes, he did not hear the doors open.

Carson stepped through the doors, he was looking out over the rail, head down.

"Colonel?"

John straightened, "Doc."

"You alright son?"

"Define alright?"

"That's what I thought."

"Yeah."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Have you ever wondered, is this it? Is this what my life was supposed to be like?"

"Aye, many times."

"Yeah."

"Maybe you should talk to Kate?"

"I am not that far gone Doc."

"Well I will be keeping an eye on you Colonel."

Maybe it was a good idea that someone kept an eye on him.

Carson then left him to his thoughts.

'Please forgive me Elizabeth. I am doing the best I can."


	8. Chapter 8

Life 8

Author: JeepNY

Category: Angst

Summary: When things couldn't get any worse

Disclaimer: I don't own anything and SGA things.. but Lienna is mine 

A few days later

Carson and Rodney had flown back to the mainland to check on Elizabeth, to find her getting a little stronger. As they spoke to the towns people, they told him she was attending meals, and walking around more.

She spoke triumphantly about the meditation techniques that she was taught, and how they relaxed her to the point where she could sleep at night. Elizabeth told them to relay the message to Teyla and upon her return she was looking forward to learning more from her about this.

Elizabeth had asked about the city, Carson responded that everything was running smoothly, not wanting to worry her to much. Rodney was typical Rodney in that matter, and complained as much as he could about how Sheppard was handling things.

With Rodney it was always something. But he would stand by your side till the end if need be.

No one had attempted to ask her if she had made any headway on any of her issues that were jumping around in her head, both Carson and Rodney had figured that maybe that was better for Teyla to attempt that then them.

Men.

The fact was that she felt like she was making some headway. She knew that she loved him, that maybe lately it seemed they have been chasing what times resolved, still hiding safe behind crumbled walls.

Did she want to hide anymore? Did she want her screams to be heard?

This conclusion never will end. Her pride with his kiss, even angels can't defend.

She knew that being here, away from everyone on Atlantis, watching the families, the children play, she knew that she wanted more then just what Atlantis had to offer.

She always believed that life went hand and with compromise, and that there was a lesson in everything that happened. So what was the lesson here?

Was it that this was the place that she would find happiness, in what seemed like 6million light years away from everything she had once known? Was it supposed to prove to her that she could run a city and have a life?

She were moments where she knew exactly what she wanted to do, and then the next moment she had no clue.

Why couldn't this be easier?

But her mood had improved somewhat, well on most days. There were times still at night when she woke up, with this feeling of utter loneness, and sadness the tears just started and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

It was especially hard after Carson and Rodney usually left for Atlantis. She wanted to go back with them. But also knew that she was not strong enough to go back with them.

She had to get over these feelings of dread every time someone got hurt, or that she had to send them into a dangerous situation.

It was no way to run a city.

Those were the thoughts that ran through her head as she sat after evening meal outside her cabin, watching the sun slowly set over the night time sky.

"Such deep thoughts for the end of the day my dear."

Elizabeth turned around to see Lienna standing behind her. She had soon learned that Lienna had the same sort of feelings as Teyla, where she could connect with people, and know their thoughts. Elizabeth could not hide from her.

"I am okay Lienna, care to have a seat?"

"Troubles of the heart are never just okay my dear, especially when they eat away at your soul."

"Let me ask you, do they ever stop eating away at you?"

"No my dear, but it is in the way you handle and deal with matters of the heart, which make it harder for them to steal you away."

Well that was easier said then done, Elizabeth thought to herself.

"So how do you love, how do you love, when the angels can't sing, and your world is still?" Elizabeth asked quietly.

"The space where you've been living, has gifts you've never given am I right my dear?"

"Yes. But how do you know?"

"I know a lot of things."

"I did not mean to insult you."

"I know my dear, no offense was taken."

The were silent for a moment, "The evening sky is beautiful tonight."

"I agree."

"There once was love thrown into your room, but you never knew, and a calendar of days just for you, but you never knew, never knew no. And the truth that you'll find will always be the truth you hide."

"That's beautiful Lienna."

"It is the truth Elizabeth. Please be careful Elizabeth with your heart."

At that moment, it all seemed to clear to her. Life, love and everything else in between.

But did he feel the same way?

That night she dreamed of John and of all the characteristics that made him 100 John Sheppard.

She awoke with a start, something was wrong. She knew it in her soul. She had a thin layer of sweat, and her stomach felt as if it had a knot the size of Atlantis in it.

Meditation, maybe that would help, and if she did not hear anything from Atlantis by the time she was done or the feeling did not go away, she would call home.

Home.

That is what Atlantis had become to her. After a year of feeling displaced, it was now home to her, and something that she would always carry with her, forever.

She sat by the side of the lake, the sun was slowly raising, cross legged and eyes closed. Elizabeth cleared her head and focused on the gentle sounds of morning.

After an hour, she felt no better and not focused on anything but her worry about Atlantis.

"Good morning Elizabeth."

"Morning, has there been any word from Atlantis this morning?"

"Elizabeth, has there been a reason for Atlantis to contact us?"

"I hope not, is Lienna around?"

"Yes, she is in her cabin."

"Thank you."

She made her way across the village to Lienna's cabin and knocked on the door.

"Come in my dear."

"Lienna, I woke this morning with…"

"I know my dear, things are not well."

"What happened do you…"

"Not the details no, but you need to contact Atlantis my dear."

With that Elizabeth broke into a run towards the stargate. When she reached it, Elizabeth was out of breath, and he body had ached. But she had to dial home; she had to know what happened.

Her stomach had grown into a bigger knot, if that was at all possible.

Something was defiantly wrong.

As she waited for the gate to open, she got her IDC ready to send through.

She stood and waited, and waited.

The nausea was moving up her throat, god what was wrong.

"Atlantis this is Weir, come in please."

After some static there was finally a response. "Weir, this is Atlantis, I am sorry about the wait."

"What happened Atlantis?"

"Ma'am, I think you need to come back asap."

"Noted, open the shield, I am ready."

"Good Ma'am we need you."

That was the last thing she heard before she stepped through to kayos.


	9. Chapter 9

Life Part 9

Author: JeepNY

Category: Angst/Drama

Disclaimer: I don't own SGA, but Lienna is mine.

When she stepped through the gate, Elizabeth was immediately thrown into the craziness that enveloped Atlantis.

She looked around, looking for a certain someone to help explain what was going on.

"Major Lorne?"

"Dr. Weir."

"Please explain to me what is going on?" They walked up the stairs to the control room, "Where is Colonel Sheppard?"

"That is the problem Ma'am."

"Problem?"

"Yes Ma'am, Colonel Sheppard and his team went off world early this morning…"

"Went off world? How could he have gone off world…he's supposed to be…."

"I know Ma'am, but the Genii.."

"The Genii…why was I not notified of this earlier Major?"

"With all due respect, when you dialed in, we were about to dial out to you."

"Oh, well…I see. My apologies Major."

"It's fine Ma'am."

"So what happened, what do you know?"

With that the swoosh of the gate startled them both. "Atlantis. This is Teyla."

"Go on Teyla, what is your status."

"Dr. Weir, good to hear your voice."

"Teyla…"

"We were ambushed, we have wounded."

Elizabeth's stomach had knotted so tightly she thought she was going to vomit right there. She knew it had to be Colonel Sheppard who was injured, she felt it so deeply.

"Roger that Teyla."

"Medical team to…" That sentence did not even have to be finished before Carson and his teams arrived.

"Come on through Teyla."

Everything had happened to quickly, and with precision.

Teyla came through half carrying Rodney, who looked worse for the wear. Appeared to anyway, The medical teams carefully took him away from her, and he collapsed onto a stretcher.

The silence in the control room was staggering, waiting for Ronon and Colonel Sheppard to appear through the gate.

Seconds turned into minutes, when they finally made their appearance. Ronon was now carrying a very unconscious Colonel Sheppard.

Carson was barking orders left and right. From where everyone stood, they couldn't see much of what had happened to him, but Elizabeth was down the stairs and after the med team through the hallways of Atlantis.

They had to stop once, he had stopped breathing. Tears in her eyes, all she could do was sit back and watch as they tried to revive him. She was shaking, not knowing what she could do to help. Not that she could at this point.

Suddenly they were off again, racing towards the infirmary.

Elizabeth was forced to run after them, to only be stopped at the doors to the infirmary by one of the nurses.

"I am sorry Dr. Weir, Dr. Beckett has instructed me to keep everyone clear of the infirmary unless it is an emergency."

"This is an emergency…"

"Dr. Weir you need to stay out here, and let us do our jobs."

With a heavy sigh she turned to find Teyla, Ronon and several other members standing there as well.

"Dr. Weir, I think you should sit down. You don't look very well." Teyla told her.

She knew she didn't look well, she certainly did not feel well either. Nodding in agreement, but she did not know where to go, she wanted to stay here, but she wasn't allowed.

What had happened out there. With a glance to Ronon, she told the rest of his team to follow her up to the briefing room.

If there was anything, she wanted to know what happened out there.

Once they reached the briefing room, Elizabeth sat down heavily, with the rest of Colonel Sheppard's team watching her every move,

"Are you sure it is wise to do this now Dr. Weir, you do not look any better."

"I am fine Teyla, I want to know what happened to Colonel Sheppard and Rodney."

"As you wish."

As they described their arrival on the planet, looking for possible with trade with the people there, it was looking god until they made it to the village. The first step of negotiations went well, and when they left to get the ruler of the land, that was when things went down hill.

Elizabeth cringed, Koya…he had done this to them.

A million questions ran through her head, how did they manage to find them, how did he survive…how how how.

"When he came to the holding cells the last time, he took Colonel Sheppard."

"Rodney was already injured by this time."

"But how?"

"Some of the Genii goons, and his…umm..big mouth."

"Dr. McKay was a little worse then…normal."

"Anyway, what happened next?"

"We heard a lot of screaming….it was…' Teyla couldn't finish.

"It was Colonel Sheppard." Ronon had looked over at Dr. Weir who had her face turned down, and then to Teyla, who had been struggling.

"We aren't sure how we got away, but we managed to return to the stargate. It was almost too easy."

"Do you know what they did to him?"

"No, they returned him to the cell a while after that."

"He was not conscious."

Elizabeth had closed her eyes, she knew he was tortured; she did not need them to tell her that. The fact was she was not sure if she could handle having them tell her the details.

"Are you alright Dr. Weir?"

"Yes, I am fine…. You are all dismissed. Get some rest."

She made her way out of the room before everyone else, unable to hide her feelings and thoughts any more.

She made it to her quarters before she broke down. Hiding in the only solitary place that she could find on Atlantis

"Is she alright?" SSgt Bates asked Teyla and Ronon as they walked out of the briefing room.

"No, I do not think she is." Teyla looked over at Ronon, "I should go after her."

Elizabeth found herself in her room, alone when the tears started. She did not know what to do anymore, everything seemed to be falling apart.

A soft knock at her door raised her from her thoughts and she wiped away at the tears.

"Dr. Weir, its Teyla, is everything…." The door opened, "alright?"

"I am fine Teyla."

"No you are not Dr. Weir, would you like to…talk?"

They spoke for a while as it turned out. Teyla proving to be one of the best girl friends Elizabeth had had in a long while. They both knew what is was like to be a warrior, a fighter, and to love another with so much of yourself, that it actually broke your heart, and then have there be nothing that you could do about it.

Later that evening Elizabeth had fallen into a fitful sleep.

In the infirmary, Colonel Sheppard was still unconscious for the time being. Carson had accessed his injuries, several broke ribs, internal bleeding, broken arm and wrist and cuts that warranted many stitches.

And he was still unconscious until as a nurse was checking his vitals and he shot straight up in bed and screamed for Elizabeth.


	10. Chapter 10

Life Part 10

Author: JeepNY

Category: Angst/Drama

Disclaimer: I don't own SGA, but Lienna is mine. I think this is finally wrapping itself up  Which can be a good thing, so I can work on the other story I started.

The nurse jumped up, not expecting the sudden movement. "Colonel Sheppard?"

When she did not get answer, she called for Carson.

"Colonel Sheppard?"

Still nothing, as Carson and the nurse got him to lay back down again.

"Monitor him, and let me know if anything changes."

Carson then went off to radio Dr. Weir. "Dr. Weir?"

"Yes Carson." Her voice hoarse from talking, and full of emotion.

"Are you alright my dear? You don't sound to good."

"I am fine Carson, what's going on?"

"There has been a change in Colonel Sheppard's condition, I think you should come down to the infirmary."

"On my way."

A million things were running through her head on her trek to the infirmary, is he worse? Did he wake? By the time she made it, her stomach was in knots and she felt a headache coming on.

"How is he?" Elizabeth said in a rush as she entered the room.

"Come on, let's talk in here."

"Carson?"

"His vitals are improving, but he sat right up before, like he was in a trance."

"So?"

"He should not have been able to do that Elizabeth, with his internal injuries, any one else would have been in pain."

"Well he does have a high tolerance for pain Carson."

"This is beyond that Elizabeth, I am worried."

"Is he awake?"

"Not right at the moment."

She looked over at the bed Colonel Sheppard was occupying, and then back to Carson, "Can I sit with him?"

"Aye. I think it might be good for him. But he needs his rest."

Nodding she turned on her heal and slowly walked over to his bed. Standing at the foot of the bed, she watched him for a moment before taking the chair next to him.

Elizabeth sat there for a long while, Teyla had come in to see if she was alright, and soon left her. Rodney had come in, against his better judgment after being released from the infirmary a few hours before.

"Should you be up Rodney?"

"Shouldn't you be resting?"

"I just…"

"I know, me too."

They sat there in silence for a few moments before she spoke. "How did it get this bad Rodney, he looks awful."

"Well besides the obvious wounds he has…."

"Rodney please, not now."

"Don't you know Elizabeth?"

The blank look on her face gave him his answer.

"While you were gone, I helped him as much as I could. He wouldn't it, he was firm on saying that he could do this by himself, he didn't need anyone. I don't think he slept at all, always working."

"What else?" She wanted to know, but she didn't.

"I don't think I ever saw him eat, well besides a few power bars here and there. I know I asked him to join us for meals, but he flat out refused."

"I see."

"We were all worried Elizabeth."

"Why didn't you contact me earlier?"

"Why? Because you needed a break, we all do at some point. And you had reached yours. Carson said you were doing better, and Sheppard, he wouldn't let us unless it was an emergency."

"Stubborn." She whispered and looked back over to John.

"Just as much as you are."

That brought a small smile to her face.

"You need to talk to him Elizabeth, get over what ever happened, get through whatever is going on now."

"I know."

"Then what is stopping you?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do know, and so does he." Was all Rodney said before he got up and left her to her thoughts.

How had she gotten herself in this deep? What went wrong? How could he do this to himself, to her?

'This is all my fault' she thought to herself as she rest her head on the side of the bed. She knew that she wanted more, she knew or hoped that he did as well.

If she learned anything from her days away on the mainland, is that life is to short, you need to enjoy every moment. 'Please be alright John, I need you more then ever now.'

Slowly she reached her fingers out and gently wrapped them around his, as her eyes closed. Sleep overcame her within moments, and so did the dreams.

Waking with a start, Colonel Sheppard looked around, recognized the beeps and other noises from the infirmary. He felt movement to his left, and tried to look to the source, but was choked back by pain shooting through his body.

"Owww." He whispered to no one but himself, but Carson had heard him.

"Colonel Sheppard, good to see you awake. You gave us quite a scare son."

"Why are you talking so quietly?"

"Dr. Weir, son, she has been here since you woke up several hours ago."

"Well shouldn't you wake her up?"

"Aye, I should."

"Dr. Weir? Elizabeth?" He gently shook her shoulder.

"Carson? What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing Lass, Colonel Sheppard is awake."

"John?"

"Right, argh…here."

"How are you feeling?"

He just stared at her for a moment, "I am okay."

Carson snorted, "Colonel Sheppard, we are lucky to have you still here with us."

"I am fine Doc."

"Aye, let me be the judge of that, I want to do an examination now to se ehow you are really holding up."

"I'll take that as my queue to leave. Glad to have you back with us Colonel." Elizabeth said as she turned and left the men there.

"What's with her?" Sheppard asked between coughs.

"You have to ask?"

Sheppard looked at him funny for a moment, and closed his eyes when Carson started poking at his ribs.

"Ow Doc., be careful."

"You Colonel Sheppard need to learn a few things about women."


	11. Chapter 11

Life Part 11

Author: JeepNY

Category: Angst/Drama

Disclaimer: I don't own SGA, but Lienna is mine. I think this is finally wrapping itself up  Which can be a good thing, so I can work on the other story I started.

"Are you going to teach me Doc?"

"A thing or to, you know I do know more then how to patch you up son."

"Never said you didn't…ow that hurts will you stop that already?"

"No I will not, I need to make sure everything is healing correctly."

"OW! Not by doing that you won't."

"Stop being a baby about this."

"Stop poking me."

"You know, you have to learn to stop complaining, and listen to what others are really saying and doing."

"Is that a double meaning I hear Doc?"

"Take it anyway you want Colonel. But watch what you say and treat Elizabeth from here on out."

"A treat Doc, I am hurt…OWWW!"

"She was doing so much better and then she came back to this chaos."

"Hey I was doing a good job."

"A good job of working yourself to death, and running the city into the ground. My opinion Colonel, you should have never went off world. You should have delegated your duties, I do know that Elizabeth put Dr. McKay in charge of helping you, and yet you just brushed him off."

Colonel Sheppard looked at him out of the corner of his eye as he continued to poke around, this time swallowing his remarks. He knew he was right, but like everyone else, apparently, on this base, to stubborn to admit anything.

"I can see I am right, with your silence and all. You know I am not putting you back on active duty until you talk with Kate, and clear up things with Elizabeth."

"Things are…."

"No they are not Colonel. Do you know what she did on the mainland?"

Sheppard just looked at him blankly, no he did not know because he did not want to know. And that was a mistake because he worried about her every second of every day and night. He wanted to know desperately what she was doing, how she was doing.

"Well she sent the first few days not eating or sleeping, sitting by the edge of the lake, and just watching. Then the next day, after my rather long conservation with some of the tons people to keep an eye on her, they taught her how to meditate." Carson looked down and shook his head, "Son, when you returned, she spent every second here, talking with you, crying over you, holding your hand, pleading."

"I didn't know."

"No of course not."

"When can I get out of here?"

"Not for a while, you have internal bleeding, that we managed to stop, a few broken ribs, the list goes on."

"Do you think she will be back?"

"I hope so son."

"Can you page her for me?"

"I think she needs some time."

"Yeah…"

"I think you do to. Get some rest and maybe when you wake up, I will see what I can do."

"But Doc….yawn I am not tired."

"You will be. Rest Colonel Sheppard." With that he dimmed the lights and closed the curtain.

Well if that was not a sign that our talk was over, John thought to himself as he promptly fell asleep.

Carson waited until he was asleep before dumping the empty needle into the disposable bin and walked out the door. He was in search of Elizabeth, needing to know how she was doing after this.

Hoping she would not need another vacation of sorts after this, because if she did, he thought it would break Colonel Sheppard in two.

He could tell by the time he gave the injection, John was already feeling responsible for everything that had happened. He was a great leader, he was a great friend, comrade, knew how to take of things when they needed to be.

This time though, was not one of his better moments, and he was going to make himself pay for a long time.

Sighing he reached Elizabeth's office. Noticing she was reading or pretending to read some sort of report at her desk he quietly walked in.

"Elizabeth, how are you doing lass?"

Quickly looking up at him, "What are you doing here Carson?"

"Checking up on you. Is everything alright?"

"How is our patient?"

"He is awake, and doing well, but I am not here to talk about him."

"I know."

She stood up to quickly, and the motion made her grab onto her desk for support. Carson went right to her side.

"Come on Elizabeth, let's get you to the infirmary, I want to look over you."

"No Carson, I can't go in there."

With that she fainted and fell into Carson's arms, saving her from a knock on the corner of her desk.

"Dr. Beckett here, I need a medical team to Dr. Weir's office right away."

As they raced back to the infirmary, she had not awoken, and neither did Colonel Sheppard. Carson was glad at that moment that he gave him a big enough dose that he would most likely sleep through the night.

As they went to work on monitoring Elizabeth and trying to figure out what went wrong, the night crawled on.

Elizabeth had worried and worked herself into such a state where she fainted from a mix of exhaustion and anxiety.

As the tests were completed and Carson was hooking up Elizabeth's IV Sheppard started to stir in the bed next to hers.

'Damn, I thought I would have more time.' Carson thought to himself as he returned to his duties with Elizabeth.

"Doc?"

Carson ignored him.

"Doc," Sheppard tried to sit up a bit more, "Argh, what did you give me?"

"Nothing strong enough obviously." He whispered and turned around, trying to block the view of the person in that bed.

It was no use though.

"What happened to Elizabeth? Why is she here?"

"Nothing to concern yourself over Colonel."

"Nothing….ow…to concern myself over Doc?"

"Yes, that's what I said Colonel, now lie back down before I give you a larger dose of that stuff I gave you before."

"Is she going to be okay Doc?"

"I hope so Colonel."

"Did I do this as well? Was this my fault?"

Carson signed and turned back around.

"Lad, none of this is really your fault. The both of you don't communicate very well when it comes to…."

"I get it Doc."

"You bottle things up, and then they just explode after to long. Like what happened when she was on the mainland. I think people are actually more scared of you now then they were before."

"Yeah...I had a feeling."

"She will be fine, a little rest, and hydration will do you both a lot of good."

"I have to look after a few other patients, if you need anything…"

"Yeah I know the drill Doc."

"And Doc, thank you."

Once Carson was gone, he looked over at Elizabeth who looked like she was peacefully sleeping in the bed next to him.

'God what have I done to you?' he asks himself, 'I am so sorry Elizabeth.'

"I am sorry." He whispered.


	12. Chapter 12

Life Part 12

Author: JeepNY

Category: Angst/Drama

Disclaimer: I don't own SGA, but Lienna is mine.

John wasn't sure how long he lay there awake just watching Elizabeth, beating himself up over everything. He thought this was all his fault. There is no way he should have let this situation between him and Elizabeth.

As for the work after she had left for the mainland, well that was his own doing. He missed her, he wanted to prove to her that he could run the city, not just the military and security side of things. He wanted to prove to himself that he could. And in the end, he only endangered his team, his friends, and basically the city with his actions.

He wasn't sure at this moment in time whether he was fit to rule anything in this city again.

Elizabeth was never going to talk to him again.

That thought brought a while new bundle of emotions and thoughts into his head. What if she never spoke to him again? What if she saw him as unfit and sent him home on the Daedulus with the next shipment? What if she never looked at him with the same happy and flirty expression she usually does?

What if….

Sighing he looked away from her. He didn't think that he could handle not having her by his side. He needed her, there was no doubt of this now. When she was gone, and he had found a spare moment, or just plain made a spare moment, he would himself in 1 of 3 places, her office, her quarters or the balcony. He wanted to be as close to her as he could without really admitting he wanted her.

Needed her.

He closed his eyes for what he thought would be a moment, but a restless sleep enveloped him once again.

In his dreams, his mind was creating different scenarios of what could happen when he woke. Most of his dreams ended with Elizabeth leaving him in one form or another.

He woke in a cold sweat a few hours later, chest heaving, breathing labored. Trying to sit up he remembered why as his ribs protested in the movement.

"Easy son, relax." Carson was at his side in a moment. "Breathe as deep as you can."

"I am sorry Doc."

"Nothing to be sorry for Colonel." He asked as he checked his vitals. "Care to tell me what happened?"

"Just bad dreams Doc."

"Must be really bad if you told me you had bad dreams Colonel."

"Bad enough Doc."

"Have anything to do with that lovely lady over there?"

"Umm…you could say that."

"Nothing to be shy about Colonel, you know you can trust me with matters."

"I know, it's just…just that this is all…"

"Aye, it is."

"Yeah."

"Want to tell me about it?"

With a glance over in Elizabeth's direction he shook his head no. "Not really Doc, but thanks."

"Well then, just remember…:

"Thanks Doc." Carson did a quick check on Elizabeth and went back into his office.

John looked back over at Elizabeth, almost willing her to wake up. He needed to see her eyes, to know that she was going to be alright.

Slowly her eyes opened s if she had heard John's pleas. She looked over at him, worried look on her face.

"Elizabeth?" He whispered, his voice raspy and emotional.

"John."

He wanted to get up and go over to her, but his injuries prevented him from even turning on his side so he could see her. Tears came to his eyes in frustration, he had to see her, he had to touch her, and he couldn't.

"John, what's wrong." She asked slowly sitting up.

"I can't…."

"Can't what?" She whispered as she made her way off her bed and towards him. "John what is going on?"

He reached out his hand towards her, pleading her to come closer to him. He needed her close. Elizabeth took his hand and moved next to him. He intertwined his fingers with hers, not wanting to ever let go.

"Are you in pain?" She asked and he shook his head no.

"No, no pain Elizabeth. Not right now anyway."

"Then why…."

They were silent for a moment before he spoke again.

"Have you ever had the feeling that you needed something or someone so much, and you couldn't get it or them. Like they were just out of your reach?"

"Yes John."

"When I saw you in the next bed…" He looked up at her the best he could. "I was so scared, what had happened to you…"

"I am fine John. Just a little tired."

"You work to hard."

"As do you John, I have heard what happened while I was gone."

"Yeah."

"Do you have any idea how I felt when Atlantis put the call into me that you were injured?"

"I think I have an idea?" He whispered, but she didn't hear him.

"God John, my stomach knotted up, and the utter feeling of dread, all I wanted to do was cry." She paused for a moment and gripped his hand a little tighter. "I was so scared that I had lost you."

"You didn't, I am right here."

"I almost did John."

"I felt the same way when I woke and saw you lying in that bed. I had no idea what happened to you."

Elizabeth moved closer to him, "I can't lose you."

"I can't lose you either."

"What's going on here?" Carson said from behind them. "What are you doing out of bed Elizabeth?"

"I was just checking on Colonel Sheppard, I was about to call you."

"Nice cover Elizabeth." Carson said, "Now back into bed, otherwise I won't release you."

"Go, the city needs you to be back on your feet." Colonel Sheppard said, "Plus I need to rest. Right Doc?"

"Yes you do Colonel, your injuries are healing just fine, but the more you move around…"

"I get the picture Doc. Rest for me."

Reluctantly Elizabeth went back to her bed and lay on her side so she could still see John. Once Carson was gone, she spoke again. "The city needs you too John, I can't do this alone."

I don't want you to." With a sigh, he turned his head the best he could, "I can't stand not being able to look at you."

"I know, but as much as I would love to stay in here with you, I can't leave the city to Rodney."

"We can't have that now can we?"

"No we can't. You need to get well John, I need you to."

The next day Carson let Elizabeth free of the infirmary with a promise to take it easy, and report back to him if she wasn't feeling well.

John was jealous, he wanted out, but she promised him she would be back to check on him in a couple of hours, after she got the city back from under Rodney's clutches.

He slept for most of the time that day. When he was awake he thought of Elizabeth and this last rollercoaster that had both taken a ride on. He wanted more with Elizabeth, he wanted everything. If he had learned anything from this whole adventure, then this was it.

Now he just had to get out of the damn infirmary to make it all up to her. And now that he knew she felt the same, it just spurred him on to go for it.

A week later was the big day, he was going to be free, put on light duty, and no off world trips, but he was out of the infirmary.

Elizabeth was there to escort him back to his room.

"How about I go and get some food a little later and bring it back here?"

"Sounds good."

"I want you to rest John. I'll be back later."

"Okay."

Just as she promised she came back just after dinner with food. He was sitting up in bed, book on his lap.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better now."

"Good I am glad John. I really am."

"Elizabeth about what happened…."

"John, I hope that you aren't blaming yourself for everything."

"I was, but not so much anymore Elizabeth. You helped me to see that. I don't know how to…."

She reached up and silenced him with a finger to his lips.

They sat like that for a moment, both looking into each others eyes, knowing what was going to happen.

He gently kissed her fingers and Elizabeth closed her eyes, relishing in the sensation.

"I missed you, you know." She said to him.

"I know, I missed you too."

"You know this is going to change a lot of things."

"I know, and I don't care."

"Good because neither do I."

The End.


End file.
